Scleroderma: Part of The Adventure

Three children and a woman.

I recently announced my scleroderma may be in remission.  According to Merriam Webster,  remission (is)  a period of time during a serious illness when the patient’s health improves.

Remission was my word, not my doctor’s.  I have also heard from other patients who will not use remission as well.  The general consensus is, although the definition of remission does fit, and it doesn’t say permanent or temporary, remission is accepted as ceasing of the symptoms.  It fits when referring to cancer.  The cancer is somehow eradicated by treatment, and while in remission, patients do not experience symptoms of cancer.  The difference with scleroderma is, that scleroderma may run it’s course, or symptoms may be controlled by medication, but blood work, and symptoms show scleroderma is present.  The best term I have heard so far in reference to this is referred to as a “holding pattern” by patients and their doctors.

For me to say that I may be in remission is incorrect.  Symptoms will flare.  I will still have good and bad days.  When I spoke with my doctor I was elated that I may have lived long enough to be through the worst of scleroderma, I threw around the word remission, carelessly.  I apologize to you, who are kind enough to read my work regularly, and new patients looking for information.  I was talking about scleroderma incorrectly, and  I am s very sorry.  Of course, I still have sarcoidosis, but it’s symptoms are very mild for me.  I write more about scleroderma, because it’s just more aggressive in me than sarcoidosis.

I was very swept up in the possibility.  One of my best and worst coping mechanisms, is denial.  Like all patients with a chronic illness, I do not want to be sick, labeled as sick or live my life as if scleroderma defines me.  It works well for me, until I get swept up, as I did with the word, “remission”.

The last few weeks, I have been working through depression.  It is something that affects me more than scleroderma, in body and mind.  Scleroderma is a life-long commitment no one volunteers for, but we can choose how we cope with it.  A friend of mind gave me a name for my technique, he told me I am like Lt. Dan, from Forrest Gump.  I liked that comparison because it felt like it rang true.  Like Lt. Dan, I am angry about what life has handed me.  I never ever want to be referred to as handicapped or disabled, and don’t get me started with God.  I of course will not climb up on a shrimp boat mast and curse God during a hurricane, but I am certainly not going to worship God or pray.  (That’s a whole other post.)  For me, accepting scleroderma will always be a part of my life is a sore spot, but I do it.  That may be why I have a great deal of patience with everything else. Traffic or long lines seem like minor things, and a waste of time to get angry about, because eventually a long line will move.

Scleroderma has taught me to live in the now.  I am not in remission.  I may be in a holding pattern, but I will need infusions and medication for the rest of my life- and it will not be cut short.  That may seem unrealistic, but to me that is one thing that is not.  Scleroderma, childbirth and a severe head injury have thrown a lot at me these past 43 years.  I have a lot of life left, and there is treatment for my symptoms.  I will continue to work hard to stay healthy, which we all need to do, scleroderma or not.   I have not yet reached mid-life.  I have a ten year old son, and I plan to see him walk on Mars, and meet his children.  Life is full of obstacles. I choose to make obstacles, part of the adventure.

Back To The Beginning, Again. An update about my exercise activity with scleroderma.

This a follow up to a post I wrote in 2012.  I almost started fixing typos, but realized what it really needed,  was an update.  I have sarcoidosis in addition to scleroderma, but sarcoidosis is contained with medication.  There was a great deal of damage done to my body, including my lungs that are scarred, known as pulmonary fibrosis.  


Lesson Learned.

After spending 45 days in the hospital to save my foot, I am now faced with the challenge of returning to exercise on a routine basis.  As much as I would like to go back to Krav Maga class, this will not be happening anytime in the near future.  I blame the horrid infection of my foot on just thinking about training for a 5k.  All kidding aside, the infection was bound to occur, but it may have been prevented from such a drastic course with proper shoes.  I thought because I was feeling so great, I could take a chance and wear something more stylish.  That was my mistake.   Now, I have this wonderful reminder to not push that good feeling.  Message received, Universe.  Message received.  (You can’t see this, but I just looked at the sky, raised my hand, and impotently shook my fist in rage.)

 

 

Back to one, deep breath

One of my biggest lessons, of many from this past hospital stay is there is no such thing as a last chance for me.  I changed my way of thinking of my hospital stays.  I have always understood that they will be part of my life, but when I would leave, I would think, “This stay will be the last time.”

 

This time, I had enough time to realize that there were so many things I could not anticipate, that I cannot think of any time in the hospital as my last time, and my recovery my last chance.  Yes, after 20 years I understand that I will get knocked down, but I’ll get up again.

 

Hope helps, but knowing I’m going to recover helps more, because it’s not a matter of “if” it’s “when” I feel better.

Of course I cannot predict the future, but I can have a positive outlook.  Not unrealistic, just more than hopeful.   never hope I’m going to get well.  I know I am going to get well.  And even though we never really “know” everything, it doesn’t hurt to act as if I will have a full recovery.  People would say to me  “I hope this gets better for you.”  My reply was usually, “I know it will get better.”

 

Positive thinking helps, but I must do the work it requires to get better.  There is nothing wrong with being stubborn, and I am living proof.

 

So, about the exercise…

I’m working with a trainer to build my strength from the inside out.  Along with strengthening the large muscles, I must work on the small ones as well, especially my core and upper body. Right now, I am using light weights and rubber bands.  These exercises may look small, but I can feel he work I’m doing.  The exercises I do are no impact where my feet are concerned, and since I have lots of work to do on my core, there is plenty to keep me busy until I can do a full plank again.

 

It’s not easy, it probably won’t be the last time I need to restart, but starting again is so worth it.

How To Request Blood Tests Before a Doctor’s Appointment

It’s easier than you think!


Patients with chronic illnesses, see specialists for routine appointments four times a year.  Many, like me, are on life extending drugs that can cause damage to kidneys, liver and cause infections, so four times a year becomes a normal routine.

 

I used to be upset because the blood test results my doctor would be reading to determine the course of my scleroderma and sarcoidosis, was often 3 or more months old.  In some cases, as old as 1 year.  That’s because I developed a routine where I saw my doctor first, then went to the lab to get my blood work, then 3 months later meet with my doctor and talk about 3 month old blood work, but have new symptoms that were less than a month old.  One day, my local nurse practitioner I saw while using traditional insurance, suggested I call two weeks before my next appointment and order my own blood work.  So, I tried it.

 

First, I tried calling.  The office staff did not understand what I was trying to do.  Because even though I had a order from three months prior, that order had expired and a new one needed to be made.  And they could not understand why a patient would call in and request her own CBC, Chem Panel and Sed Rate.  I was not talking like a patient.  I could sense their frustration over the phone.  Rather than get angry, I went into the office and made the request in person.

 

I had no appointment.  The waiting room was packed.  It was 2005, and the usual wait for a doctor’s appointment was two hours.  My ex-husband and I owned a small business together, which made it possible to have insurance, but that’s a whole other post….

Temecula and Murrieta had grown so fast in the housing boom and medical practitioners were up to their elbows in over bookings.  I stood in line at the reception desk and simply said, ” Hi, my name is Karen.  I have an upcoming appointment with Dr (Name withheld) and he will need current blood work.  May I request an order for blood work  from him?”

 

Yes, they did look a little confused.  The receptionist asked me to take a seat and she would be right with me.  So, I took a seat.  I expected to wait so I brought a book.  This was before tablets.             (Could we call that Post Book Era or PBE, maybe  Pre Tablet?  Whatever.)

 

Te receptionist called me back to the desk.  She asked me to write down my request and she would call me when the order was ready for me to pick up and take to the lab.  (This was also before lab orders could be sent electronically.)  So, I wrote a friendly greeting, told my doctor about my idea and listed the tests.

 

A few days later, I received a call from m doctor’s office and was told my lab orders were ready.  A week and a half later, I met with my doctor for my “routine” appointment.  He was impressed by having such current blood work.  To be honest, I was happy to be talking about what was going on with me right now, and not three months ago.

 

I made it my routine to call his office and the receptionists knew exactly what I needed, because I went in person and explained what I needed.  It took up extra time, but saved me time in the long run.  My phone calls would sound something like this:

“Hi, this is Karen Vasquez.  I need to get an order for my labs.”

 

The reply:  “Sure Karen, what tests do you need?”

 

“I need a CBCChem PanelSed RateANA and I think it’s time for my PFT’s. Can we get an order for that as well?”

 

“Sure, Karen.  Talk to you in a few days when the orders are ready.”

 

Now, I manage my scleroderma and sarcoidosis and receive treatment at my local Veteran’s Hospital.  Labs are in the computer, no calls need to be made.  I also know that many with scleroderma, or many with a chronic illness (or two) do not enjoy the care I get.  I am very lucky to have access and I know it.  I hope that my posts help others become their own best advocates.  It;s possible.  It’s frustrating, but  there are so many different types of chronic illnesses that share many symptoms, we need to know what we need, so that our providers get it right.

 

So, if you skipped to the end:

 

Request your lab orders before your doctor’s appointment is you want to.  Don’t be afraid to ask or speak the “language” your doctors and providers do.  And if you have a boyfriend who tells you to “stop talking like you are a doctor, because you aren’t.  Stop trying to act like one.”  He’s threatened by your intelligence.  His reptilian brain has not evolved to match his human body.  Break up with his dumbass.   Just sayin’….

 

Links in this post:

Mayo Clinic

ANA Test

Pulmonary Functions Test 

CBC


To help cure scleroderma, please visit Bounce to a Cure.


To learn about Scleroderma Research, visit Scleroderma Research Foundation founded by scleroderma patient Sharon Monskey.


To find a scleroderma support group near you, visit The Scleroderma Foundation.

 

Also, check out Scleroderma of Trinidad and Tobago.  


So many orgs, please check out The Mighty Turtle on Facebook for more.


Paraffin and Scleroderma: Comments on an article about scleroderma.

There is an article about a woman with scleroderma in the United Kingdom all over Facebook and too many social networks to list here. I have a few comments to make. Her methods of skin care work for her and kudos to her for having the time and resources to have a full body paraffin bath every day, but I have a few comments and some alternatives.

picture of oils for skin moisturizing in various   containers

Oil feels nice, but the type of oil used may create more work.
Applying oil can appear to be helpful, but many oil based products only coat, and do not penetrate to moisturize skin, especially petroleum based products. As someone who has used olive oil, Kama Sutra oil and too many moisturizers to name here, I can say honestly that oil coats the skin, leaves marks everywhere and leaves (me, it may vary for others) a dry skin surface in about 15 minutes. Many products claim to have “essential oils”, but if they come in a plastic container, they are not true essential oils.

Undiluted essential oils should  only be stored in glass containers, because a true essential oil will may break down the plastic. The right essential oil can  nourish moisture starved skin because it will penetrate, not coat.  Essential oils can appear more expensive, but you need less of the product.  To find the best essential oil for you, don’t be shy about asking for samples or asking for a low priced sample to take home and try a few days.

Essential oils are not your only option.
A great non-petroleum based cream or lotion works well if you can find one.  I have had great luck with Aveeno Moisturizing cream oil with sweet almond oil and Eucerin.  Currently, I use Votre Vu’s Snap Dragon on my body and their hand cream Duette for my hands because I love it, and I sell it (for full disclosure) so I get a great deal on it.    If you have something that works, don’t go searching for an essential oil.  (If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.)

Ahhh, Paraffin.  It is nice…
Paraffin does work, but as a full body bath, the first thing I thought, (okay, second thing I thought…)  was this sounds wonderful, but is an unrealistic and expensive option for most scleroderma patients.  A simple hot bath with immediate application of a non-petroleum based moisturizer while wet, followed by stretching or assisted yoga (after drying off and dressed of course) will provide the same benefits.  A hot bath will warm the muscles, making them easier to move, which is the objective of the paraffin bath.  When I first started exercising again in 2005, I would take a shower before and after.  Warming up those muscles before warming up, is good for body and mind.

The professional manicurist in me speaks up: 
I have been working with paraffin since 1987. First as a manicurist, then as a scleroderma patient. A full body bath in paraffin really does sound awesome, but I would like to offer an alternative for 2 reasons.

1. Patients with raynaud’s have a bigger risk for burns with paraffin. If one with raynaud’s were to place their hands in a paraffin bath that was even slightly too hot, it can cause tissue damage to the extremity, going from extremely cold to hot. And because of impaired temperature sensation, a raynaud’s patient may not be able to detect the bath is too hot. Thermometors can fail.

2. Open sores. One must never use paraffin if there are any wounds because of risk of infection.

Tips for using a parrafin bath for patients with Raynaud’s:

1. Place hand in plastic paraffin bag, then dip bag into paraffin.

2. Scoop hot wax with hand using the bag as a barrier between hand, then turn bag inside out when removing from paraffin wax. (This will take practice. Don’t be discouraged by a little mess)

3. Now, you have a bag of wax and you can feel how hot the wax is through the plastic. Use your forearm or wrist to touch the outside of the bag to feel how hot the wax inside the bag is. If it is too hot for your forearm it is too hot for your hands, feet or whatever it is you are placing in the wax.

4. Once the wax feel cool enough to tolerate COMFORTABLY, place your hand inside the bag.

Never, EVER use paraffin wax when you have an open wound or pressure sore.  Yes, even a paper cut.  Don’t make me show you pictures of infected wounds- it’s nasty!

For more information:

Medscape detailed article: Musculoskeletal rehabilitation in the person with scleroderma.

Pub Med Abstract: Musculoskeletal rehabilitation in the person with scleroderma

Raynaud’s Risks and Prevention

The Scleroderma Society

Tips for Living with Scleroderma, by Scleroderma Research Foundation

To help fund research for scleroderma, visit: Bounce to a Cure

FAQ for Raynaud’s by The Raynaud’s Association

Handy Hints for Raynaud’s by Raynaud’s & Scleroderma Association, UK

Visit The Mighty Turtle on Facebook for more scleroderma organizations.

 

Exercise, Scleroderma and Krav Maga

I look like I’m smiling- that’s the scleroderma mouth thing- she is really pulling my hair. Don’t let our petite frames fool you:  Dynamite comes in small packages.  Photo: Jennifer Jones 

 

I made a video last night after Krav Maga Class.  Short story long: I injure myself more doing daily activities, than when I exercise or train with the supervision of a professional.

 

When my range of motion was lost, I had to relearn simple things like sitting on the floor and getting back up.  It’s a long list and as I become more active, I run into some activity I need to trouble shoot to perform.  Luckily, there are people who are trained to help!

I made a video. Yep, this picture has nothing to do with the content of the video. I just thought a picture with my dog would help me get more viewers. This video is about exercise. I exercise so my lungs keep moving, and my whole body is strong enough to take whatever else scleroderma and sarcoidosis throw at me.

Watch:

Avoid Injury While Exercising by Working with Professionals

 

 

 

Scleroderma Is Not ‘Just A Skin Condition’

 

I recently spoke with a customer service representative at the Social Security Office.  She is tasked with asking questions, and making recommendations for the person seeking help.  So, I did a little research.

Today, I read an article by Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality.  They presented 5 steps to take after diagnosis.  As a patient with scleroderma for 20 years, and diagnosed with sarcoidosis after years of symptoms, these steps sound very nice, but are a bit unrealistic.  Don’t get me wrong, these are great ideas in a perfect world, but the world of healthcare in the United States is far from perfect.  So, I’m going to comment on each step.  Please Note:  This is entirely opinion based on my experience.  If you find my comments useful to keep going, and not be deterred, awesome.  If you would like to tell me to go to hell, awesome.  Let me have it in the comments section.  I make some comments in this post that may incite retaliation.  I’m okay with that.

If you have healthcare where you are never denied a test or medication, this is the perfect plan.  The following steps are verbatim from The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality.  My comments are in italics.  

Step 1: Take the time you need. Do not rush important decisions about your health. In most cases, you will have time to carefully examine your options and decide what is best for you.
– In 1994, there were very few treatment options for scleroderma.  I was given a leaflet and a nifedipine prescription and sent on my way.  My choice was to quit nursing school based on no information, move back to California from Wisconsin and get lots of rest, or stick with nursing school with no idea what to expect.  It took two years to get diagnosed with scleroderma.   Luckily, I was in the Navy for one year and half of that time.  I did not miss a paycheck because I needed to stay home sick or go to a doctor.  How would that work for someone else with no job, because they called in sick so many times while trying to get diagnosed with weird symptoms like blue hands, swelling and nerve pain.  Sure, my diagnosis was 20 years ago, a lot has changed because of research, but people in remote areas are having trouble getting the right diagnosis and care.  Just do a google search of scleroderma blogs and you will read how patients are trying to get a diagnosis or care, or getting denied disability benefits because they do not have the proper diagnosis yet, because their doctor is unfamiliar with scleroderma and thinks it’s ‘just a skin disease’.  In a recent conversation with a representative of Social Security researching adaptations for patients with scleroderma, she asked, “Why would someone with scleroderma need adaptations?  It’s a skin condition.”  I explained to her that scleroderma was not.  She was very receptive to the information I provided her, but she is one of many, who are trained to speak with people in need of life saving benefits and she thought Scleroderma was a skin condition.  We have lots of work to do! 

Step 2: Get the support you need. Look for support from family and friends, people who are going through the same thing you are, and those who have “been there.” They can help you cope with your situation and make informed decisions.

Lovely.  In a perfect word where family and friends understand that a chronic illness cannot be seen, this is a great idea.  The truth is, many patients suffer for years before diagnosis, because they feel crazy telling people they trust their symptoms and they are met with responses we have all seen in memes all over the internet.  Oh, where to begin!  Here are a few:
1.  You don’t look sick.  Check out The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. It’s a great post about “Not looking sick”
2.  It’s all in your head.
3.  You need to exercise more.
4.  Then, there is the gossip some experience:  She’s a hypochondriac.
5.  Scleroderma sounds like a skin condition.  It’s in the name, so it must not be serious.
Okay, enough of that, you get my point.  First, we have to explain what scleroderma is to our family, while we try to grasp what it is, without panicking during every search on Google because people post wort-case to get attention for awareness.  I can’t blame them for trying, but it leaves little hope to newly diagnosed patients.  More and more patients are surviving scleroderma, but only those who have access to the best healthcare and educated providers.  

Step 3: Talk with your doctor. Good communication with your doctor can help you feel more satisfied with the care you receive. Research shows it can even have a positive effect on things such as symptoms and pain. Getting a “second opinion” may help you feel more confident about your care.

Speaking of doctors… When I moved to Murrieta, doctors here had only heard of scleroderma.  They mistook my syptoms of sarcoidosis for scleroderma symptoms because they knew nothing about sarcoidosis or scleroderma.  First, a patient has to find a doctor willing to do more than give the diagnosis and “wait and see”.  Make sure you are seeing the right specialist, a rheumatologist.  Not to mention getting baseline tests of lungs, heart and upper GI.  Now, if you are newly diagnosed, have a full time job and have “Golden Insurance”, this is not a problem.  I have a request: If you have an experience to share, share it in comments to encourage other patients not to give up.  This is a journey riddled with roadblocks by people paid to keep cost down.  We have to become our own best advocate.  And by we, I mean you who are reading it who are frustrated.  I have to drive 2 hours one way to get the proper treatment for my hands.  It sucks, but it is what it is.  I bring my dog and stop at the beach after.  I do it because since 1999, OTs at two nearby Veteran’s Hospitals would not work on my hands.  I was told I was a lost cause.  Since stopping the OT I received through the Wisconsin Veteran’s Healthcare System, my hands have since atrophied and now we are working to get some range back.  

Step 4: Seek out information. When learning about your health problem and its treatment, look for information that is based on a careful review of the latest scientific findings published in medical journals.

Visit at a hospital, or medical school library and ask the librarian for help.  Medical journals often post only abstracts of a study online, which is a short blurb about findings.  Google it without experience and it’s the perfect way to diagnose yourself into thinking you are dying.  Before you research, ask your doctor for the proper keywords and journal names.  I don’t want to deter you, I want to encourage you to find research foundations that research your specific condition.  For Scleroderma in the United States, I recommend The Scleroderma Research Foundation.   Their funds go directly to research and education.  They have one office.  As far as fundraising goes, they are nationwide.  The Scleroderma Foundation is a great place to go for support groups, education and research as well.  They have chapters all over the United States with many offices around the country.    Many are all volunteer, some have paid staff amd some are simply support groups.  They provide great services, and funds are raised for each region.  

Watch your back, Jack.  There are some online patient communities that offer counseling services without licensed counselors or ask you to donate to participate.  I am sure they do some good, but they claim to offer counseling services by unlicensed counselors.  I once worked with a former mentor (emphasis on the word former) placed plants in her closed groups in the early days.  And I have noticed there is a bot that initiates contact with people who tweet certain diseases, on behalf of my former mentor’s newly formed foundation.  But, don’t take my word for it- or anyone else’s for that matter.    If you find yourself in a group and it doesn’t feel right, go with your instincts.    If you see a group going after an individual or shuns members, that is a huge red flag. 

Step 5: Decide on a treatment plan. Work with your doctor to decide on a treatment plan that best meets your needs.

Great idea.  A treatment plan is an awesome idea!   Now the trick is to find a doctor who knows more than a thing or two about scleroderma, or your condition in your area.  You may have to travel, but it is worth it.  This is a chronic illness and your life depends on how well your care is managed.  I know scleroderma, so I will refer the two organizations I trust to help patients without requiring a donation or membership.  These organizations count on donations from people other than patients. If you pick up the phone and call these foundations, they will give you information over the phone for free.  
1.  The Scleroderma Research Foundation Contact Info and Downloads for newly  & not so newly diagnosed patients
2.  The Scleroderma Foundation  Contact info and Downloads for newly & not so newly diagnosed patients.   

Patient Communities:
Very helpful.  I recommend the following:
1.  Treatment Diaries   
Outstanding community founded by cancer survivor, Amy Ohm.  They will not ask you for money to join, and it’s a great way to connect with fellow patients.
2.  Inspire:  Another great online patient community that will not ask you for money to join.  

So, those are my comments about those 5 steps based on 20 years with scleroderma.  Many autoimmune diseases have similar symptoms to fibromyalgia, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and drugs used to suppress the immune system for cancer treatment, like methotrexate are often used in the early stages of scleroderma.

I would like to add that If you are newly diagnosed or seeking better care because what you are doing, don’t be afraid to look at how people with other diagnoses are coping.  We share the same experiences like loss, grief, anger depression and so much more.  My diagnosis of sarcoidosis was accidental.  I went to 4 different ER’s before UCLA took my trouble breathing seriously and and did the tests  that lead to a lung and lymph node biopsy that provided the sarcoidosis diagnosis.  Until I was given Remicade because of the sarcoidosis, my symptoms were progressing of both the scleroderma & sarcoidosis.  I had to fight for the recommended Remicade and bypass 3 other medications that needed to try and fail before using remicade because of cost.  Since 2007 and receiving Remicade with Methotrexate, the pulmonary fibrosis in my lungs has stopped progressing.  Fighting for care sucks, but it’s exactly what we have to do to get what we need when someone says “no” due to cost.  If you take anything away from this post, I urge you to keep fighting.  It’s hard.   I;m not going to lie, there were times I wished for death. I would tell myself, “I wish this was over.”  Until I realized my scleroderma was not going away and over, meant death.  I made it through the worst of it.  I think it is luck I am not dead because many die from scleroderma every day.  I’m here because it was not my time.  I continue to heal and become stronger because I am my own best advocate.  There are times I put my foot in my mouth and make mistakes.

If you skipped to the end:

Advocating for yourself is on the job training, even with help.  And there is no shortage of people looking for minions for financial gain or to fulfill some messianic fantasy.  So, watch your back, Jack.  Rest between battles, because you won’t win every single one.  Somedays, your only goal needs to be to live to fight another day.  Most important, the best possible outcome may not be what you want.  It may take compromises, like giving up certain foods and activities and worst of all (at least for me) asking for help.  If you have to give things up because you can no longer do them, take time to grieve, but try not to let it consume you and it times, it might but you can crawl out of the jaws of what’s consuming you.   There are no guarantees in life, but there is hope if you look for it.    Keep looking for hope.  We all have limited time here, cherish what you get.  I never said this would be easy.  I still struggle at times, I take antidepressants, I see a psychiatrist to manage my meds for anxiety and have a checklist of depression red flags for me.   Exercise and writing are my outlets.  My happy place is time with my son.  My dogs get me out of bed every morning.  Find you tools, then fight.

 

Scleroderma and Me: An Update.

Woman and her child holding hands. child reaching up to touch balloons.

Posted May, 2013.  Update since test; negative for pulmonary hypertension; James of Bounce to a Cure, broka another world record while raising funds for scleroderma research.

I left the video up to share with other patients, and let them know that sometimes it’s not pulmonary hypertension.

We interrupt this wonderful life for scleroderma.

Watch this video for more information…

Click Here 

Why I Am Not Scleroderma

Dog barking with caption: "some days, we just need to get our bark on."

 

Yesterday on Facebook, I expressed my disappointment with  I.Am.Scleroderma campaign.   I do like and support the foundation who did it, because so many patients benefit from their work.  I am not happy with that campaign. You might ask, why not send a letter?  Well, I had a thought, expressed it on Facebook and wondered if other patients felt the same way.  Plus, I don’t post to make any friends,  I just post honestly.  I was told once I should think in a more marketing perspective by a former so-called mentor.  We no longer speak and it was a very smart decision, but that’s a whole other post.

I write to get conversation going about not only scleroderma & sarcoidosis, but also associated conditions like  pulmonary hypertension, Raynaud’s Phenomenon and mental health.  So, in the spirit of Scleroderma Awareness Month, and my slacking last year by not speaking out when the I.Am.Scleroderma campaign started, I want to explain to you why that statement offends me so.

This is not an attack on The Scleroderma Foundation.  This is my disagreement with their choice of wording for a campaign.  Since deciding to independently volunteer to raise awareness and have no attachment to any non-profit, I have the luxury of speaking from my heart, and not from a marketing perspective.  I have nothing to loose by sharing my feelings, because that’s all they are, my feelings.    They will not buy or sell anything.

Anyone who sees me is free to cuss me out for saying what I feel about the meme.  Please comment.  I will moderate, but as long as there are no racial slurs or snake oil, I will make sure it is visible.  See, it’s not the sharing that was encouraged by the campaign I dislike.  I read some great posts by patients and saw some great videos blogs as well.  The program is great, but the message is: I am scleroderma.  Putting a period between the words does not lessen the anger that statement creates.  I have sat n my feelings for a year.  One reason was I thought I just needed to calm down.  I haven’t.  So, here is why I am not scleroderma:

I had my first serious complication from scleroderma in 1996.  After two digital sympathectomies, I thought my hands would just return to normal and life would go on as planned.  It did not.  I continued to loose range of motion all over my body.  In the second semester of my sophomore year in nursing school, at then Viterbo College,  I was evaluated for physical fitness to continue on to do my clinical rotation.  As I reached down and found I could not touch my on toes, it became painfully clear that scleroderma was progressing faster than I ever imagined.  I think it was that moment that triggered profound depression and anger.

From that moment on, I didn’t say it, but I thought of myself as scleroderma.  I was diagnosed with depression for the first time and received counseling therapy through the VA in Sparta, Wisconsin.  It took weeks to get to the statement, but my therapist said to me, “Karen, you are not scleroderma.  You are not your diagnosis.”

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It was easy to say, “I am not scleroderma”, but it was not easy to feel.  My actions reflected my feelings for years.  I took a blow torch to many bridges and hurt people who tried to help me in ways I continue to regret.  I have forgiven myself, but I will always regret my actions.  I can’t change them and those actions in my past have opened my eyes to create a better future.

So when I say that I am not scleroderma, it comes from a place I worked hard to get to.   A campaign called, “I am scleroderma” makes me sick.  The name makes me sick.  I can in no way endorse it.  I want very much to share the blogs and videos from the campaign, but doing so shares the message, “I am scleroderma.”  I can no longer find the campaign on the website, but there is a a mess of scleroderma blogs with a Scleroderma Foundation logo with the words, “I.Am.Scleroderma.” on it.  I will read the post, but I won’t share it because I cannot share that statement.  Well I’d share it with a paid endorsement  and a disclaimer that it’s a paid endorsement.  (Hey, a girl’s gotta get her pedicure on when she can.)

Thank you for taking the time to read my  thoughts about a poorly named, but well intended campaign.  My wish when I started blogging in 2009 was to share the message with fellow patents of any illness that they are not their diagnosis.  I learned the very hard way, which has made me cynical at times.  I only hope this post helped to better explain my reasons for hating the name of it and not the foundation.  I will continue to walk and support patients.  I will continue to share their useful information.  I will also never hold back the way I really feel.  Also, I noticed I am unable to find that meme I.Am.Scleroderma on the foundation’s website.  Yay!!!

Cat with cherry tomatoes on paws and balanced on head.
Let;s take a deep breath and remember that we can’t agree on everything. Come on, you know it would be no fun of we did.

Surprise! I have toes!

I have been attending Krav Maga consistently and something happened tonight.

You know that “Soldier Crawl”?   I had modified it using my forearms and knees.  Today,  I was crawling, and quite naturally, my toes took over for my knees.  It felt natural, and surprised me.  It only happened twice, but it happened.   I did the “soldier’s crawl” as it was supposed to be done,  for a few moments.

This is kind of how I felt when realized my footing was getting better.

 

I tell myself every day that if I keep moving, my range of motion will come back.  I know it will never be what it was before, but there is potential and now realistic hope my range will improve.

I had another revelation: My toes are not useless.  They’re just fused and different, but they are not lost.

I’m encouraged, exhausted and sore.   The good kind of sore.