This morning, I felt unusually fatigued. I had no energy. My mind said go, my body said no. So, I pondered the cause of today’s fatigue with some questions.
Were my lungs exchanging oxygen properly? I breathe easier after taking viagra: did I take it? Then there’s Pulmonary Fibrosis because of scleroderma and/or sarcoidosis: because really, who the hell can even tell the difference between the symptoms? Okay, I know it can be done if I gave myself a pulmonary functions test every morning; but I don’t have that kind of time; there is no such thing as a live in respiratory therapist and if there is, I never want to know. Was my Pulmonary Fibrosis getting worse? Then I remembered I was breathing excellent yesterday, so that wasn’t it.
Maybe it was a football hangover from the Packer’s game last night. I’m no expert, but that was clearly an interception. That was a “hug” not a touchdown! I was glad my son was not present so he didn’t witness my lack of creativity as I relentlessly hurled foul language at my unsuspecting and innocent TV machine. I thought about it some more, and realized that was a reach as a reason for my fatigue. The big picture is that it’s just a game. And although the horrible call effected the outcome of the game and placed my beloved Packers in second to last place in their division, it did not warrant the kind of anxiety that would make me feel so exhausted, so I moved onto the next scenario.
Yesterday was port-o-cath flush day. Between infusions, I have to drive 46 miles, one way, to get my port flushed to avoid clotting. Let’s call it Port Maintenance. I was exhausted after I got home and even took a short nap after the drive. Heparin is injected into my port at the end of my flush, so I wondered: Could that small dose of heparin make me tired this morning? No. It was inconsistent with past flushes. The low dose of heparin does not effect me in that way, why would it start now?
Then, I did something. Something I had done before, but changed my view about doing it. Isn’t reality about how we view things anyway? Sure grass is green, but what if I was color blind? The grass would still be grass, the color green would just look different to me because it would only pick up the hues my cones could pick up, right? What is this “something” I tried? It’s called rest.
Yes, I have rested before: usually because of something going on with the progression of scleroderma or sarcoidosis; some kind of weird infection with a MRSA kick; a flare of some kind; or an injury on the verge of infection. After almost twenty years since my first diagnosis, the possibilities are limitless. But what if; and I mean a big IF here, what if I just took the day off? What if I just rested on the couch in front of the TV? No computer, no phone within reach and most of all no guilt: just a purpose-free day.
Why not? Why not have a purpose-free day? What’s with all this pressure to be purpose driven? Everyone’s life has a purpose whether we are driven by it or not. So, I removed the purpose from my day and more important, I removed the guilt. What is with me and guilt? Why not live a day without it? When ever I do rest, I give myself guilt. Of course, I must blame my Catholic upbringing for the gift of guilt, but honestly; it’s time to let that guilt go, stop blaming a faith and just go about my day: purpose-free. My guilt is something that I put upon myself. I need to stop blaming all of Catholicism because blaming takes work and work requires a purpose and the goal here is to be purpose-free.
What could possibly go wrong? There are no lives on the line. For Christ’s sake, I’m a Buddhist and it was time for me to capitalize on the idea there is “no known Tibetan word for guilt” (The Art of Happiness). Okay, so I identify more with Zen Buddhism, but let’s not overcomplicate things. Let’s leave the overcomplicating to that narrative voice in my head.(Please and thank you!)
So here I am at the end of my purpose-free day. I have to admit, it was a great day. I took a nap on the recliner. I took a nao on the couch and even watched Caddyshack. My purpose-free driven day was a success. After this post, I’m ending my day with a little meditation; a shower would probably be a good idea, and I will read a book unit I fall asleep.
Funny how I managed to have a successful purpose-free day, yet found motivation to write a post. I’m not writing this post out of guilt. I’m writing this simply for fun. The fact I have scleroderma and sarcoidosis and pulmonary fibrosis is not fun. They are just a part of me. I am not them. They do not define my purpose or need to create. It feels good to express myself. I use my experience with Sarcoidosis, Scleroderma, pulmonary fibrosis, Raynaud’s and anything else the world throws at me the way an artists uses colors in a painting. I suppose that’s why expression is referred to as art. I’m not saying my posts are a work of art, but I am making something with my words. Writing is my way of finger painting. At times, it’s messy but it’s evidence of my existence in this plane. Dare I say my “Special Purpose”? Na, too easy. I’m just going to enjoy it. I had a day with no guilt and, I feel good. My little something for the effort: “So, I got that goin’ for me: Which is nice.”